Mellow Melon Melodies

Happiness is cutting a watermelon on a hot Saturday afternoon and finding it ripe and red. Going by the above yardstick of measuring happiness, I have been terribly unhappy since many months now. In fact, I am close to despondent. My melon futilities have become as repetitive as Shakti Kapoor’s intentions. Even now, I am a confounded owner of a yet uncut green variety (called Kiran), wondering wether even this specimen escapes the tortuous and slimy journey through my intestines, not to mention the unhealthy rectal end. Four predecessors have been pardoned; this one too has immense self belief in the ineptitude of its undertaker. Men, women and others, how do you choose a water melon? The one thing which totally baffles me is the thumping method! How on earth can someone figure out the mellowness of a melon by listening to the thumping melodies? Am I such an acoustics duffer that all sounds are similar to me? What is the secret behind all of you cochlear geniuses out there who choose the melon by listening to its thumping sound? Such are the ego shattering, Saturday afternoon destroying questions which led me to ferret out solutions from the www. I have found some interesting insights. They are 1. To pick the perfect watermelon, select one that seems to be the right size for your needs. Then hold it with one hand to a point about 2 inches from your ear. Tone is important, so make sure that you don’t rest the watermelon against your head. Once the watermelon is positioned near your ear, use your free hand to thump the watermelon. The sound will either be solid, like thumping a piece of wood, hollow like tapping a 5-gallon water jug, or thick like tapping a water balloon. When you have determined which of the three sounds you hear when thumping, you will have the information you need about the meat inside of the watermelon. If it is not ripe enough, it will sound solid. If it is too ripe, it will sound thick. The perfect watermelon is the one that resonates hollow. Thump as many as you need to find the right one 2. The underside of the watermelon should have a creamy yellow spot showing where it sat on the ground and ripened in the sun. 3. The watermelon should be heavy for its size. Watermelon is 92% water 4. The stem should be attached, brownish and dry 5. First, watermelons should be filled-out with spherical or cylindrical shape. A watermelon that has the shape of an eggplant indicates some trouble during growth---possibly a lack of water. A lack of water will have a negative effect on taste. Second, the surface structure pointed out by the arrow in the image below is a sign for sweetness. Third, if you see a watermelon cut in half, big cracks in the flesh also indicate sweetness 6. http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid271521142?bctid=1711770875

The glint of the Carini knife beckons me to my victim yonder, who has been cooling off in the freezer since I pardoned him momentarily to finish this write-up. As far as the above points are concerned, well, haven’t we heard that saying – The proof of the melon lies in its cutting.

Following the Tag

Jas mentally challenged me with a tag. She sometimes suffers from this urge to dare others with 'who is a bigger maniacal muse'. 9 out of 10 times I would have obstinately removed the tag from my neck. However this time I decided to be an obedient cuddly dog. Bow bow..
So basically this passing the parcel shit works like this. You get tagged, gagged and dragged into acquiescing to write something phenomenal about yourself based on some rules set by some wonderful nerd sitting somewhere in the middle of the Kalahari Desert. So the rules of the game are - "Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real- nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question" . So here I roll
1. What is your name: Sixsixsix
2. A four letter word: soul
3. A boy's Name: Sriparvatheeramsivasahasthrabuddhi Sethusubramanian
4. A girl's Name: Suaathi Burma
5. An occupation: Sex Worker
6. A colour: Silver
7. Something you wear: Silk Stockings
8. A food: Sautéed Potatoes
9. Something found in the bathroom: Shit
10. A place: Sulabh Shauchalaya
11. A reason for being late: Sum of 9 and 10 above
12. Something you shout: Saala Ch**iy*! (when asked about 11)
13. A movie title: Sita aur Gita
14. Something you drink: Soup
15. A musical group: Skid Row
16. An animal: Spotted Deer
17. A street name: Sadhu Phakarchand Galli (from where this tag traces its origin)
18. A type of car: Sedan
19. Something scary: Spirits Returning from Hell
20. Ice cream flavour: Sitafal flavor (Strawberry is a boring answer)

The efficacy of that word!

This happens in India. I just cant help getting astonished by the wonders and quirkiness of this great great nation :-)

Scenario 1
Customer: "Bhaisahab, ek chammach dena"
Vendor (Busy with other customers): No response
C (earnestly): "Bhaiya, ek chammach doge zara"
V (hears but ignores)
C (now irritated): "Arre bhai, chammach doge kya"
V (looks at him): "Kya?"
Scenario 2
C: "M*******d, ek chammach dena to"
V (smiles affectionately as if he has been awarded the President's medal): "Yeh lijiye"

The fun of interviewing

Foreword: Interviewing and officiating can be immense fun, as I found out at IMS Achievers Workshop 2009. To all the students who I screwed, my friends, remember even a fool can ask a question which the wisest of men cannot answer. So there! no points for guessing who was the fool around :-)

Amusement 1: I and another panellist were moderating and evaluating a GD whose topic was 'Black and White'. Abstract thinking required types. One smart alec took abstract to a new level altogether. He said with confidence ' Bipasha Basu is black'!!. He looked at me for approval. I replied with greater confidence, "If Bipasha Basu is black, I am very very fair". (plenty of giggles from female students)

Amusement 2: We were asked to conduct these stress interviews. License to rape types. So during one such grilling session, I had managed to ruffle a candidate to a fair degree. Then I asked him, "Ok, tell me how many hair are there on your head". He thought for 2 secs and replied "Billions". I exclaimed 'Billions!!'. On hindsight, I should have screamed 'Billions of blue bilious blistering barnacles'.

Amusement 3: This one had me cracking, literally. Again during those stress sessions, one candidate with IIM B,L,K,I calls came to us. A super guy.. sharp and intelligent.. however a tad conceited. So I went about my routine of bringing him down to dear terra firma. After quite a lot of grilling, I finally asked him in a rather screwing voice "Go to the board, take the chalk and write asshole". Point was to check his response to this unwarranted diktat. But the guy, confidently strode to the board, took the chalk and without hesistation wrote 'Arsehole'. Oh my god.. I actually started laughing aloud. Ha ha 'Arsehole'. When he came back, we grilled him on British v/s American spellings of Arse/Asshole. Poor chap, replied this is the only spelling he knew of. Ha ha it was damn funny.

Anyways, my best wishes to all those very very worthy candidates. I sincerely hope I could contribute to their preparations. Amen.